Bad karma will always come back
You caught me off guard by saying hi via IM as if nothing had happened. I am not sure if I am/ever will be ready to talk again. I said hi anyway. It's just that very moment all the rejection and disappointment feeling from the interview all rushed back into my head at one go. I can't believe myself shedding tears over this again. Unsure if it was the interview or you chose not to be there when I needed a shoulder to cry on. We had "discussed" about this before and you don't think it is any of your fault or feeling sorry about it and so be it. I don't wanna fight anymore, I feel really tired to tell you why I was angry and disappointed. Maybe I was being too nice to you. At that point of time, I DID not wish we should end our friendship over it, after all I DID care for you before. I don't know what I will do, but at this moment, I don't think I am ready to be friendly yet. Let's just stay at Hi-Bye level.
My behavior changed because of your "harmless conversation" in the past day. I became hysterical when Mr. X gave me another unexpected disappointment. I was feeling lonely and thinking of what had happened in the past with you and Amoeba. Indeed it was quite a roller-coaster ride. I was not aware of the effect of re-visiting the places I'd been to until last night. All these emotional land mines..... exploded in front of me one by one . I couldn't believe how low I can get to negotiate for a cuddle for a night like that. I was desperately trying to push thoughts out of my head by craving for others' arms. The shit feeling is back, I can't wait to get out of here.
posted by Jen @ 10:55 AM
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