Rotten apple

Ever heard gossip of someone you know well? After learning the dark side of him/her. You feel sorry for that person and people with him or her? We have different attitude when we are at work or at home. In the business world, do we have to be ruthless in order to survive? I am not sure, but I believe in peace. Kickass boss is not popular for sure. But, will he have better business? Glad that I don't need to backstab colleagues in the R&D environment. No matter what, family is always behind your back. But, what if..... you have done something so selfish and bossy, that your family prefer to stay away from you? How sad!

I went out last saturday, after which, I feel like I have moved on. Or was it because everything got so quiet down that I left my emotional baggage behind? Some old friend called late at night. Sudden rush of memories, sad ones mainly. Constant reminder to shake him off is required. I don't feel anything for him now.

A friend of mine gave me an interesting site today. Very sweet.
http://www.sandiegozoo.org/zoo/ex_panda_station.html

aussie aussie aussie

I had a wonderful day yesterday! The long lost feeling of happy and joy. I went for a hair cut after 2 long months. I felt fresh and confident with a ligter head. Hair cut was followed by a tea time with girl friends. Bitching session is also a type of therapy for depression!

Of course the most important thing i did was shopping! I felt a little nervous when I was approaching Paragon. I have been suppressing myself not to spend too much in order to save for the expensive application fee. THIS was my first shopping trip after the whole long month. I felt good! I think was the crowded shopping centre, millions of shoppers surrounding me and the air in the shopping area that filled my lungs! All these made me feel excited.

Received a letter when I reached home. The australian stamp chop made me super nervous. I literally ripped the letter open. The authority had assessed as a skilled personal, meaning I can proceed with my PR application. YAY YAY YAY YAY!

Dizzy

Had a really bad sleep last night. Somehow the flu medication made me a ultra light sleeper! Kept waking up and having bad dreams. Wasn't it s'pose to make me sleep?

Work can get crazy sometimes. Hate sitting around doing nothing, it makes me feel lazy and definitely doze off in 10 mins time!

It has been one week since we last talk. I miss you. Kept repeating to myself not to think. Sometimes I still let my mind run wild. But having no contacts with you somehow makes me feel better. Am I finally willing to move on? Or am I just self comforting? Mind will wonder off to think what you are doing? Who are you seeing? Will you miss me? I dreamt of you last week giving a gentle peck on my forehead. I felt so warm. Arrgh.. hate myself!!

I do. I don't.

Talked to someone about her marriage problems. I realise its not easy at all the solve any problems or clarify misunderstandings. All along i thought I am ready for marriage, just waiting for my Mr. Right to come. To think again, I don't think I am. We will not know how we deal with it when situations arise. How sure are we that we are ready to spend the rest of our lives with an individual we dated for 12 months or a decade? Friends always say, you will know he is the right one when you meet them. (duh...)

Read an article before saying there are about 10000 person in this entire world who are compatible to you when you are alive. So, how do we choose from that 10000? Or does it come in first come first serve basis? At this moment, I would think staying together is the best way. However, 10 years later, when your partner decided to leave you for some bloody blonde bitch (aka BBB), You wish you have that damn certificate signed and drill every single cent out of his pocket! CONTRADICTING isn't it?

Oh well, not all the love story end in the bad way. Some still live happily ever after!

weak

Doctor suggested to go for endoscope if pain persist. Sounds scary isn't it? I start to feel it too. Have this little cold camera go into my tummy to explore? OH NO! What if its not stomach ulcer? More tests? arrgh!
Human is so vulnerable!

I had this weird dream last night. A person kept pulling me away from the dining table. Further and further to stop me from eating the served food. I worked so hard to shift back to its original position. It happened again and again. ButI was not angry or frustrated at all.

I need to get out of the house. Its really bored at home.

TGI friday?

Today is friday. Strangely, I don't feel the excitment in me although a weekend is approaching. Two public holidays fall on the same week making this week very relax and lazy.

Nothing to look forward to at work. Data and manuscript are almost done, minimum bench work or am I just very lazy? Arrgh! Recently catch up with a classmate from melbourne, am so glad she is doing fine and I can't wait to be there! To start afresh (not that I have done something really wrong in Singapore =)) most importantly, to experience life in a different way.

Most of my friends in science field want to further their studies. Even all the interns I have guided, they have moved on to either masters or PhD. I want to keep learning too. Am I ready for it? Do I have the quality and mentality to be a PhD student. Why do people always need a goal for the next 5 years. Can't we all just live a simple life for the next 50 years?

I have started to save since a month ago. Its really torturing when I have to control my shopping (favourite activity besides sleeping). No more eating out. Limit my drinking to only once a week! But THAT definitely helps in losing weight.

Gastric pain is still bothering me. Bloody clinic wasn't open last night. Where are all the doctors when you needed them most?

pulling myself together

I remember how it all started. It was sweet and happy.

I remember how it ended. I feel numb and lost now.

Did you have it all planned? When you will tell me let's just be friend. It just happened too abruptedly. I am not a device, can't change mode instantly. I cannot switch from a lover to a friend in seconds.

I don't know how bad you feel. Or maybe you don't even feel a thing, because everything sound so easy. You kept asking me not to cry. Tears don't roll down for no reason. I am not a baby, I don't cry when I am hungry.

I don't want to victimise myself, but I had already done it. I must stop. Not as if you will sympathise me. You know what can help me to ease the pain. You know what I want, but you chose not to do anything. Human greed and selfishness explain it all. I knew you have a girl friend and you are leaving for home. But I wasn't the only one who started all these. It takes two to tango. FUCK! I hope the thought of hatre won't develope in my head, it will spoil all the memories I have.

How long is long enough for me to heal from these shit?

Gastric pain is irritating. Medication don't seems to work very well.

Work has been quite slow these 2 weeks. I want to finish everything asap but seems so difficult to do anything, even moving the mouse.