Haunting

Nightmare happened again. Unusal call in the morning asking me to fetch my flowers at the lobby. It's him again. Did I, in anyway didn't clarify things when it last happened in Feb. After 10 months of incubation, he is striking again.

As a woman, I should be happy when receiving roses. But in this case, after I read the message, I felt gross. eeww. yes.. thats's exactly how I felt. I know I am bad, but I can't help feeling this way. It's like a cycle, vicious cycle. Whatever I am going to do to him, someone will return that to me, endless de ja vu! Wait till someone feels "eeww" when I send him a message!? oh well, somehow, someone will get rejected. That's life!

I see a lot of weird people in the morning. Some friends said I am too observant. How can I miss any weirdos in train, they are so outstanding! Has anyone thought of something that can raise the awareness of personal grooming and hygeine? Once read an article, when you are not happy with something, ask yourself if I am making the same mistake before blaming other people. I am proud to say I don't smell like a walking dead rat and my clothes are clean. ( not neccessary to be fashionable). I always wonder how can people allow themselves to step out of their house when their body or clothes smell bad? There are so many deodorants in the market, bloody cheap. How can one ALLOW himself/herself to gives off this pungent (yes pungent) smell in public transportation? Oh well, enough of complains.

Gone forever

My dear nephew dropped my phone probably zillion times. And yes! finally it gave up on me for allowing him to do it over and over again. I queued bloody 90 mins for the repair! Well I guess this is the price we paid for technology? We become the slaves, so dependent on it and yet enjoying the convenience it brings us... ya ya.. contradicting and doesn't make sense!

Felt very disappointed when the lady told me all the messages in the phone will be deleted. All the messages you sent me will be gone forever. All the names you called me, I will try to remember all. FUCK! There wasn't any time given to me to swallow this. Maybe it meant something. I don't know what to think anymore. . Just a call and a present, trying hard not to step into the quick sand. It's all stirred up again like snow flake flying in the crystal ball. It doesn't hurt but I hate myself for being so weak.

Received a greeting msg from a friend last week. Apparently, she used the msg I sent her to mass message to everyone. I feel strange.

I have been eating non stop for the past few days. Feeling fat and bloated. I NEED TO EXERCISE!

Its amazing how time flies, how fast 2005 gone by. Looking back, seems like I have done nothing major! I am trying toremember all the people who made me laugh and cry. Is that enough?

Merry Christmas

I received my favourite christmas present today. My heart was pounding so hard when I saw the Swiss postal chop. Love it! I hope you have received mine by today. I felt so warm and happy when I opened the parcel. Everything is so wonderful. The best thing is knowing you remember what we had done and keeping your promise. I feel happy.

The ideal christmas celebration would be staying at home for dinner with friends. Watch a movie after maybe. It would be much better than organising where to go when everyone is not responsive and.. eventually fly aeroplane. Have been tolerating this friend of mine about flying aeroplane. Friends of her are so "well trained" that we can guess when she will play us out. Usually we just ignore it, afterall Christmas is about forgiving. But how much do we have to put up with it? I don't know? Are we suppose to be THAT accepting to friends? How accepting is define ourselves as fools/stupid? Maybe I should just stay home to watch some tv and wait for your call.

Merry Christmas

I'm dreaming of a white christmas!

yes... its time of the year when everyone buys gifts and chocolate to share! No doubt it's too commericialize nowadays, but who cares? Its nice to receive something from friends. It will be best if weather is below zero. Impossible I know, but isn't Christmas about hope? Stay positive!

I have been eating too much these few days! Hope that work out in the gym will burn so fats!!!

Am getting a lil tired organising activities. Sometimes, I will find myself irritating asking where to go. Its not easy to be organiser as there are too many people to please. Who, what, where, when, how? arrghhh!

Stucked

Lovely friends from KL arrived late friday night. It was a really rush and last minute trip for them but I was happy to welcome them to this little island.

Today, depsite I have earlier arrangements with a girl friend of mine, I want to keep my promise to our gathering, I decided to include my KL friends in this Christmas shopping. However, I think girl friend is angry at me. Her reply was direct and straight. I am not interested to meet you friends. I felt piss initiatly and then I feel stucked! wanted to keep my promise and entertain my friends at the same time. Somehow she got to know I wasn't please with her response. I feel tired and helpless. Not knowing what to do, all I did was to apologise. I don't know if she will forgive me. After thinking for a while, I think I tried too hard to bring friends together, which is silly. They may not be as keen as me to meet up. I did it wrong this time, and I could have handled the situation better. I do want want to do anymore silly things to jeopardise this friendship. She is a dear friend and I know her for a long time. I still feel stuck and not knowing what to do!

Start, end

Heard a new love story today. Another lovely relationship is going to blossom! Good on them! In the same conversation, talked about a not so long lost friend, you. Once again, it hurts. I rub more salt on my own wound. To find out you might have treated me as a toy. It's the same as having someone punching me on my face. It helps to pull me away from the shit hole. But I can't help missing you too. I still want to see you. I am digging my own grave all over again! What to do? I can't get over it in 2 months.

But afterall, I am not feeling as bad as before, its a sign of recovery. No more obession, not so much missing and crying. Yes, think it positively, I am recovering. Becoming the happy Jen as I was before.

Are you happy? Does anyone ask yourself everyday? Either in the beginning or the end of the day. I should be. Why am I so hard to please?

On the other hand, a relationship had ended. I have been trying to help out a friend. Until it reaches my limit and I snapped. I can't take the pressure. Her constant complains and refused to listen to my response. Friends are always my mirror, I kept telling myself, I cannot behave like her.

The domesticated me!

Clear all the house work within the weekend. Feeling good now because the house is sparkling clean! yay yay! I think I am obessed with cleaniness! arrgh..

Looking at the calendar and realise I have to rush for christmas gifts.. and finish writing the pile of christmas cards. I was really lazy last year, none of my friends receive cards from me! I can do better this year. (I hope!)

Time flies. I can still remember how I spent my last christmas eve with a girl friend. The bartender literally showered us with cheap champagne at alley bar. I am a year older! Did I become wiser? haha... should say I gained more life experience.

A friend pointed out I am always into romantic movie/stuff. These are the things I won't realise unless someone point out to me. hmm.. maybe I am. But I am Piscean! entitled to day dream and romanticize everything. Nice!

Pointless

I did something last night. It reminded me so much of you. My mind was filled up with your shadow. Shit!

I become more accepting to everything that is happening to me. I accept that we cannot be together. I accept that's nothing I can do to make the situation better. Allowing everything to happen. Maybe I am too tired to fight it, or I don't know how to. I am still checking airfare constantly daydreaming I will be there to watch snowing with you. Naive I know. I made my first step to move away. More time is required maybe.

Sometimes I think I need to meet someone new to get over you completely, like what happened in the past. If really so, I hope I will meet that someone really soon! I don't like the feeling of having you filled my mind. Haunting!

Have been listening to a friend's complain about her ex-boyfriend for the past few days. I listened patiently. I thought, if she can confide everything to a not-so-close friend, she must have no one to talk to. I don't want to get involve but I think she is hoping I will tell her some scandle. But when a relationship comes to an end, does it matter if one finds out the other party is cheating? I don't know. In this situation, its pointless to me.

Loser

How does a person express their feelings? For myself, I bitch, complain, yell, cry when I am angry, frustrated. Encountered something today and I cannot interpret what is the person trying to tell me. Is he trying to comment so that I can improve and gain from there? Any hidden message? Say it out loud for goodness sake! I take it as a non-contructive comment. For revenge or to attract my attention, whatever it is he made me angry.

Love

Love, no one ask you to stay but you will.

Love is everywhere. Something that I heard in the movie I watched today. I agree with it. In addition, love tears you apart when it leaves.

Question: what kinda love you choose to be surrounded with? Family and friends are more important, for sure. But ultimately selfish human being will choose to the above AND love from lover/lovers! It's human greed. Who will be blessed to have it all at the same time and live happily ever after? At least, I know I don't have it all... yet.

Good night!

ahmm.. Listen!

Went for a friend's house warming last night. It was good, met some new friends, loads of good food and alcohol. Its interesting to meet people from different places of the globe. However, one thing in common among the guys who talked to me. They always talk about themselves. I think they are all very nice men. I wonder, what happen to them? Or do I really look like a very good listener? I listened to them patiently. I wonder if I am really getting old and hard to please? And for the first time in my life, I heard the cheesiest pick up line " Have we met?" ah well, its cheesy, but I talked to him despite I really really want to laugh! Shall not be someone arrogant, I am always approachable and friendly! hahaha and yes, my bitch genes were under regulation last nite.

Drunk and call.. biggest mistake anyone can commit. Well, I did it but it made me realise I will have another big step to move away from the hole I stepped in before. Yes, I have moved on and I still miss him. Some how the form of missing has changed, I miss him as a friend. A friend that I care about. The reply he gave was exactly what I said to my ex-boyfriend ages ago. De ja vu! What goes around, comes around. I think sometimes down the road, maybe someone will say that to him. As he mentioned, I am the active party, but truely, the ball is in his court. Oh well, I shall burn the fucking court. (ok i sound quite angry aha) I don't know what he thinks, shall not care too much. I don't like to be treated as a pest. Seeing people in my life I want to brush off, I don't want to be that someone! I shall not allow anyone to brush my off their lives!