My life now

I feel weird reading all my old posts. :) My life has changed.

It has been 3 years since I came to Melbourne, one year since I started PhD. Work life has been hectic since I started but I am happy. I am doing something for myself, something I really wanted. I am lucky. My supervisor is great to me.

I learn new things everyday and realise how little I know before.

I feel sense of achievement everyday.

I am grateful my family is supportive with my decision to pursue further education.

I think I become more confident.

A lot had happened since I came, good and bad stuff. I guess that's life. I questioned why I was here before but not anymore. But I am struggling to decide what I want to do when I finish my studies. Part of me want to stay as jobs are better here in terms of money. Part of me want to be home as I want to be close to my family. Let's hope it will not take me another 3 years to figure out.

The very first post after 3 months in Aussie land... and I am complaining!

Oh dear... yes it has been 3 months already! From the day I left Singapore. I am loving every minute here except work time. I have a boss who micromanages me. She is always passive-aggressive, control freak, breath down my neck and treating me like a maid. I have fulfilled my probation time, work performance is satisfactory and this is when I have started to say no to her. The more I say yes, the more she will push the limit.

Things I wanna complain about her

1. I have no freedom to do ANY experiment I MEAN ANY EXPERIMENT including passaging cells.
2. Yell from her office to ask for help eg. Tell me which amino acids is acidic!( it's a statement, not a question) My ans: ask Mr. Google
3. Walk all the way to my bench when I am doing experiment, ordered me to collect deliveries. (There is always a reason why someone can be so fat)
4. Come to me to demand for buffers IMMEDIATELY * I want 5L of PBS NOWWWW!!*
5. Expect me to work on EVERY weekend and public holiday
6. Expect me to be in lab at 8.30 when the office hour starts at 9
7. Expect me to babysit for her (F**K off)
8. Ask me a question on areas she is ignorant, and ask someone else to verify
9. Steal my ideas
10. Made me count cells for more than an hour.
11. Make me label tubes 4 times (1 on top, 1 on the side, 1 sticky tape on the side, 1 stick tape on top AND THEN, a clear tape over the side of the tube)

These are just a few little things that I can name within 10 sec.

Whenever she does things like above to me, I will miss my previous boss SOOOOO MUCH!! He is indeed the perfect boss anyone can have. Both are raised in England, how could that be so much differences?


Enough of complain, i will write something nice next time!

Bad karma will always come back

You caught me off guard by saying hi via IM as if nothing had happened. I am not sure if I am/ever will be ready to talk again. I said hi anyway. It's just that very moment all the rejection and disappointment feeling from the interview all rushed back into my head at one go. I can't believe myself shedding tears over this again. Unsure if it was the interview or you chose not to be there when I needed a shoulder to cry on. We had "discussed" about this before and you don't think it is any of your fault or feeling sorry about it and so be it. I don't wanna fight anymore, I feel really tired to tell you why I was angry and disappointed. Maybe I was being too nice to you. At that point of time, I DID not wish we should end our friendship over it, after all I DID care for you before. I don't know what I will do, but at this moment, I don't think I am ready to be friendly yet. Let's just stay at Hi-Bye level.

My behavior changed because of your "harmless conversation" in the past day. I became hysterical when Mr. X gave me another unexpected disappointment. I was feeling lonely and thinking of what had happened in the past with you and Amoeba. Indeed it was quite a roller-coaster ride. I was not aware of the effect of re-visiting the places I'd been to until last night. All these emotional land mines..... exploded in front of me one by one . I couldn't believe how low I can get to negotiate for a cuddle for a night like that. I was desperately trying to push thoughts out of my head by craving for others' arms. The shit feeling is back, I can't wait to get out of here.

busy busy busy

Busy busy everyday. I have started to pack stuff I need to bring over to my new home. Clothes were piled up like a MOUNTAIN in my room, left only a few tiles free space to walk around. oops.. luckily my mother is not in town so she will not nag at me to clear those asap by DHL. Can you imagine the effort, money and time involve if one has to move to another country to start a new life?

Trying to catch up with friends before I leave. In order to organise meeting, numerous emails and smses will be sent. I am glad that most of my friends are responsive but at the same time I realised some of the people i know are just not so special as well. Maybe I am not so special to them anyway...

My new love arrived ........ YES.. my new Macbook!

Sadness

I hope moving to a new place will bring me friends who are sincere, and they will do what they say.

I was not a happy girl when I went for my last trip, I survived.. but not very happy. Whatever happened to me in the interview was kinda ridiculous. I missed my friends and family the most when I was all alone in a awfully strange place. Crying alone in hotel room was not the most glam thing I can do when I was traveling. I hoped for someone I knew will turn up at least to offer me a listening ear, but he didn't. Carried stuff back and forth was worthless. Things I brought sat in my luggage like reject goods waiting for someone to pick up.

I blame myself for stupidly believing promises from people over and over again. I never learn. I have to learn. Maybe I am not such a good friend to be with? Maybe I have to learn how to handle friendship like others? Maybe.... they are just being nasty to me? Simply don't care how the others feel, I have to learn not to care so much. I often consider how other feel before I act. Why can't others do that to me too? Is it too much to ask for? Until now, thinking of that will sadden me. I can't be such a cool girl to act out I don't care. Promises are made to be broken but I have never break any promise I made to you. You didn't want this to happen? nah... you CHOSE not to contact me or reply my call/sms. I really don't know how I can react towards your action. Maybe you can tell me what I should do? as I don't know what is in your head or maybe how would you react if I do that to you. I have nothing more to say to you. You chose to break the remaining friendship and you did it. Congratulations!

Post Zurich Trip

Interview went well and I passed the committee for admission of PhD, but guess what they told me after I've gone through everything? "sorry jen, you do not have Msc, we can't take u in to do our PhD program". You can imagine how I feel. You can imagine how I swallow this piece of hard cold fact? Disappointment, devastated, angry (to be frank, not really), humiliated and waste of my time and effort. They informed me they are fully aware that I do not possess a Msc so then... why spend the money to bring me in at the first place. Ya.. they spent more than a thousand Euro to buy me a hope then burst it. How fun? Anyway, I am grateful they brought me in, I gained experience and become more confident when meeting people for interviews.

Anyhow, I had fun with all the other candidates. Drinks drinks drinks every night! I don't remember a night that I was sober after 8! I didn't really have time to explore the city one more time due to the interviews lined up and all the visits + the hotel I was staying in was not near to the place where I had all the interviews. Another eye opening experience with the europeans! I met so many wonderful people this time and I wish them success in the future.

After friday nite, I finally what is man whore and slut! Don't ask me who... they know who they are and they will never read this blog! Anyway, I had my fun and they had theirs, sometimes I know just now to respect other people a little more than they should.



We managed to grab a train ticket to Germany for a wine fest. It was a good one. None I will ever experience in Singapore as it's just too hot here.

I survived with all my new friends there. Don't really need anyone you know there to help at all.

Clearing my closet

So many things happened these few weeks.

Went to Melbourne.. and had a great time!
Had some interviews... and more coming up.... nervous!
Busy preparing presentation for interview, arrange flights...change some CHF...and buy things for someone (oops.. dun need it now...ha!)
Catch up with friends and drink lots of beer... =)
Busted Amoeba's freaking liessss and be friended someone whom I never thought I would

I am busy preparing the presentation for interview in Zurich. Load up myself with lots of information and busy thinking of what to wear and bring for the trip. In addition to all these, I take care of some little businesses with 3 persons previously in my life. I gave them a BIG kick to clear them out of my closet. Damn.. I feel good, enjoyed every minute when I was doing it! No longer want to tolerate anymore nonsense from them or anyone. I gave them a piece of my mind and that's it. I don't need anyone to make me feel happy in my life except myself.

I do not expect others to treat me the way how I treat them but I definitely DO NOT deserve how they treated me. Especially the AMOEBA (how I called one of them now), the single cell organism, aka spineless, brainless and shapeless. (oh well, maybe I shouldn't insult amoeba!!! but I can't think of a better way of describing him) Kicking them out of my life will not affect me in anyway except feeling good. I wonder how I could have allowed them to treat me like this in the past? A friend mentioned one should not burn all the bridges, but who cares? those are rotten wooden bridges! I don't think they will cross my path in future. Thou shall have no mercy for people like them. Thou shall NOT forgive and forget. Why is it so hard for them to make a sincere apology???? ego?

Let me briefly mention crimes they have committed.

1 aka Amoeba: Lies lies lies, accused me behind my back, too bad mutual friend don't believe him, come back to tell me and ended their friendship with him as well.. aww.. poor loser!
2 some expat I dated recently pulled a disappearing act, obviously I didn't give him what he wanted.. aww.. another loser
3 aka U: treat me like delivery man. Sorry, I don't pay two thousand dollars of air ticket to do delivery. Whatever money I have spent on thing you asked for, I just take it as I dropped it somewhere. I don't think going to Zurich without a friend will cause me any injury. If you don't have time, neither do I.
I don't know what was your real reason behind but if you are afraid I am STILL in love with you.....spare me. When I said I don't love you anymore, I bloody MEAN it. Don't give me the I-don't-want-to-hurt-you CRAP!!! It happened 2 years ago, for goodness sake!

After these 3 weeks, I now can "beet" with anyone, anytime, in any mode! No one can treat me like dirt, I have to stand firm for myself.